“No matter if you’re four weeks or 42 weeks, once you get that stick, that positive pregnancy, you create a plan in your head,” "You have a dream, and so when that’s gone, either in an early miscarriage or a late loss, you lose that dream, and there’s nothing you can do to fix it."
Mine was an early miscarriage...coming up on 2 years ago now.
My dream was to have a little playmate close in age for John, my youngest. I had it all planned out. I had Emmett and Carmen 17 months apart and then a four year gap. Then, how perfect? Two more close in age. ugh. Totally upset me. God knew better, He really did. But I do have a hard time accepting it. George and I became foster parents around this time and then our first teenager came to live with us the same month my baby would have been due. I just became a new mother in a very different way.
My dream was also to be pregnant by my 40th birthday. And I was. I took the pregnancy test the night before my birthday and it was positive. I was thrilled. Here I was on the eve of turning 40 and what a blessing to be expecting another child before my biological clock REALLY started ticking down.
It will be 2 years on July 10 of this year that I had a miscarriage. This is actually a little known fact about me. As everyone who knows me knows... I am a "sharer". I share everything. I share because I love people and I know when our paths cross, it is for a reason. I want to make the most of it. I want to relate to others, learn from others and possibly help others where I can.
Because of my extremely outgoing personality, it has been difficult not to share the story of my failed pregnancy with everyone I meet. I know it is personal, I know it makes people uncomfortable sometimes to hear about it. It is awkward, personal and oftentimes, for whatever reason, swept under the rug. However, when I have shared it, it has been therapeutic for me and it has helped others in some small way to relate to my experience.
So I thought that in honor of International Bereaved Mother's Day, I would share my story. As an aside, I am officially convinced that there is a "day" for everything at this point. Everything from National Donut Day to more serious days to remember and honor things like Bereaved Mother's Day. I never knew about Bereaved Mother's Day until today when I saw it shared on a friend's FB page. I have been following her story of loss, as well, and it has inspired me.
I have come to realize that a loss of a pregnancy at whatever stage is a true loss. I struggle with guilt of being sad when I know others have lost their babies at much later stages of development. I want to respect that. The quote above made me realize that we all have one thing in common at least...we have had a positive pregnancy test that resulted in a flood of thoughts and emotions, plans and hopes, expectations and fear. Any woman who waits that three minutes to see what the fate of that stick is, knows what I am talking about.
Well, we told a few people close to us that I was pregnant and left it at that. We waited to announce it on FB and for good reason, as it turns out. However, sometimes I wish I had told more people just so I would have had more support when it happened. I have had three pregnancies before this one that were low risk, uncomplicated,and beautiful. Those three pregnancies resulted in planned home births with my husband by my side and midwife, nurse and friends by my side in the calm, peaceful atmosphere in my home.
My fourth pregnancy, however, ended with an actual birth in a hospital emergency room to a doctor while my husband waited out in the hallway. My most vivid memory is looking up after the doctor told me, "You've just completed your miscarriage", and seeing George's feet behind the curtain outside the room. I remember being so upset because he wasn't with me. It was just the way things happened. The doctor was just doing a routine check to make sure I had miscarried already. BUT, My little 6 week old baby was hanging on right at the edge of my cervix. Even the doctor was surprised. He explained to me how the 4 1/2 centimeter baby was just hanging on til the last possible moment. I consider this a big blessing because George and I were able to see the tiny little life (even though hardly recognizable) and say a little prayer and say goodbye...
Everything did happen naturally and I am glad for that. I am glad I didn't need a procedure or any further medical intervention.
Early on in the process, the doctor told me while I was in the ER that the results of the ultrasound showed that our baby died at 6 weeks gestation. I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time of the miscarriage. The doctor explained that it is called "fetal demise". No explanation, it just happens.
That was news to me. I had three successful home births. I was invincible, right? I thought I was in the clear. Well, unbeknownst to me, miscarriages are actually more common the more successful pregnancies you have. If you can take away anything from this blog post, it is this information. I don't want anyone to be blind sided and shocked like I was. I thought it was the opposite. If thought that the more successful pregnancies you have, the LESS likely you are to miscarry. I was just so traumatized by that.
My 40th birthday was June 9 and my miscarriage was July 10. That put the "demise" of my baby at my exact 40th birthday weekend. Just when we were telling our close friends while celebrating my birthday, the pregnancy was ending basically as soon as it began. It just took four weeks for my body to work it out.
I love that the doctor was so sensitive and respectful to us and referred to the "fetus" as "our baby". I knew when I was having the ultrasound that I was in the middle of a miscarriage but just didn't want to believe it. I knew there was no heart beat. That was a horrible experience. The stillness and quiet in the room, all the uncertain looks. Trying to process that I wasn't pregnant anymore.
I am so grateful for my friend, Lorena, who was with me every step of the way. I am also grateful to Martha Jefferson Hospital for being an amazing hospital and helping me through such a difficult experience. I am grateful for Debbie, my midwife friend who I kept the appointment with the next morning just so I could go see her and get a hug. And for Marla, my midwife who delivered all three of my children and was prepared to see me through my fourth pregnancy. I am also grateful to all the women who have shared their stories with me, as well, including all the other blog posts I've read about miscarriages. I am especially grateful for being able to talk to my sisters about it, as well.
I am most of all, grateful to my husband for arriving to the hospital just in time to hold my hand. It was a painful phone call I had to make to him when I was suspecting miscarriage early on in the day. I called him at work and I remember telling him that I just didn't think it was going to work out. I was so sorry. I felt like he gave me the gift of the the pregnancy and then I wouldn't be able to carry it to term. I didn't want to disappoint him or our children.
Some day I will be able to tell my children of the loss that I had. When they get older, I want to tell them what I went through and how badly I wanted to give them another new baby in the family. They are so in love with John and they want me to have another baby so badly.
When I came home the night of the miscarriage and went up to the boys' room and looked into John's crib, I was overcome. He was still a baby himself, only a 14 months old. I really can't imagine the pain of someone who has a miscarriage with their first pregnancy. Wow. I have looked at my three children so differently since that experience because I realized even more what miracles they really are. To carry a baby to full term and deliver a healthy, happy newborn is a blessing from God beyond measure.
It is obviously clear that I still carry this with me every day. A counselor friend suggested I have some type of letting go thing. A way to let the loss go and say goodbye. I have no idea what that would even look like. Frankly, I feel a bit ridiculous even talking about it. I mean, really, it was 2 years ago. I feel like I was supposed to just get over it and move on.
Maybe this blog post is a start.
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| I am glad to have this ultrasound picture of John on my fridge. I was about as far along with John here as I was with my miscarriage. Can you see his little head on the left and his face and his arms and his legs tucked in? |
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| I am also happy to have this family picture. It was taken in late May of 2013 for our church directory. I was actually pregnant in this picture and didn't even know it.
If you are carrying a loss with you, I hope you can have healing in some way, as well. I think we all carry things with us that we need to let go of somehow. How to do it, though, is another story...
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