The Weekend I Didn't know Anything (PART 1)

Unexplained vaginal bleeding.... I mean I DO know that.  So I do know something!

(Disclaimer: Read at your own risk of embarassment and shame.  The thoughts and experiences I share may or may not be relatable to you.  They may make you uncomfortable.  Stop reading now if you don't want to see words on a screen that relate to women's reproductive organs.  Also there's a spoiler about Dead to Me Season 3.)

So what on earth is she talking about now!!  Yes, I am talking about vaginal health. Don't keep reading if it grosses you out.  See disclaimer. But if Judy Hale can talk about it in Episode 4 of Season 3 of Dead to Me, then I can, too. After all, I have been binge watching that show to keep my mind off things and guess what...in the show she has scans and gets diagnosed with cervical cancer.  

I guess it's like when you buy a car, you see that make and model everywhere.  Even during Fr. Mike's homily today he talked about the woman with the hemorrhage, which was beautiful by the way.  You should have a listen.  

If you are are woman, I recommend you keep reading because it will help you know you and your reproductive parts are not alone and not shameful.

If you're a man, I recommend you keep reading because it will help you better understand a woman in your life. 

If you are my husband and you are reading (which I know you're not because there's too many words lol) then I want to thank you for going to the ultrasounds with me and staying with me after in the Hospice vending machine room (yes, it's a UVA imaging center and Hospice is upstairs) and talking with me and hugging me. Also thank you for holding my hand and wiping my tears this morning when I was crying and letting things out since the kids weren't home and the dog was still in the crate. 

If you are my daughter reading this, then I want to thank you for going to the bloodwork appointment with me and reassuring me and keeping me company while they held me back in the room for a bit until they heard back from the doctor. And thank you for bringing me pizza in bed today!

If you are my sons reading this, I want to thank you for praying for me and for spending more time with me this weekend and for checking on me.  

If you are any friend or family member who I have been talking to this past and relying on for prayers and support, or any friend or family member in the future, thank you! You all know I am a sharer, a feeler, a talker and a Netflix show binger.  

Here's a fun fact...Early this week when I thought I was just a middle age woman on her cycle for an extended period of time and NOT concerned at all that I may have a disorder, infection, or even cancer, I bought a Masterclass about how to do comedy by the one and only Steve Martin.  I also learned how to craft run-on sentences. It came across my feed and I watched the preview thing and I just couldn't believe how much what he was saying in the preview described ME.  I texted my sister and she said back right away, "You better sign up!"  So guess what, I broke my No Spend Challenge to buy that Masterclass for half price.  

I was elated, I was ecstatic, I was liberated!  I was FINALLY going to be funny!  Seriously funny. I'm serious. I knew that every thing I had said in my life up until purchasing that Masterclass was not funny at all.  I would finally start to be funny.  Thank you to all who have laughed at things I have said up until now.  It means a lot to me that you were trying to be so nice even though I didn't learn from Steve Martin yet.  

So I start watching his class, it is so good, it is so me, it is actually validation of everything I know how to do already but don't have the confidence to do. It's great!!! He even says, directly to ME, of course, "There is room for you, you have a lot to offer. There's always new things to talk about. You can draw from your life."

Well my life took a turn the next morning but I'm not letting my unexplained vaginal bleeding stop me!!!

Here's what happened.

I called my doctor.  I had to call the emergency number because the cold weather, ice and snow had the offices closed on Monday and Tuesday.  First of all I must say when Dr. Marsh called, I said, "Hi Dr. Marsh! How are you?"  Dead silence on the other end.  I meannnnn, I am calling him because he needs to know how I am!  It was a funny moment. I love Dr. Marsh so much.  He said, tell me what's going on? I said, well I have had my period for over three weeks and this morning it got worse and I'm not sure if it's normal.  He said, no that's not normal, can you come into the office?  I said yes any time even if we don't have a snowday I resigned from my public school teaching job so I can come whenever.  He was very gratful for all that extra needless information I gave him and then he said how about this afternoon? I said yes and he said my office will call you and set that up.  And I said ok thank you so much.

That's what happened. 

Wednesday: Good news is Dr. Weaver is a new provider in his office and she has OB background and she was so very nice and helpful to me!  Also, I may have said something like, "Welcome to Dr. Marsh's office, nice to meet you, I have unexplained vaginal bleeding  (in a sing songy voice), let's dig in!"   

So on to the exam, she found a polyp on my cervix, saw the bleeding up close and personal and told me she wants me to have and ultrasound and blood work.  In closing she asked me to do ONE THING. She said, "Please don't google anything." I said of course not, no I won't.  Then I have proceeded to google every female anatomy word known to man for the next 4 days.  I didn't go down the rabbit hole though! I just read what AI summarized at the top.....mostly. 

Thursday: bloodwork.  Carmen came with me and I'm so glad. She is in the EMT program with Blue Ridge Community college in partnership with her high school, so likes the medical stuff.  She was so supportive!  I love her. 

Friday: two ultrasounds, one transvaginal and one abdominal.  It was fun! No it wasn't.  I was just grateful to get the appointment so fast! George came with me and came in to the room with me and everything.  I was so glad to have him there.  The last time I had an ultrasound was eleven years ago when I was miscarrying and there was no heartbeat.  Yup, I had abnormal bleeding then, too, but the cause was fetal demise. Happy 40th birthday to meeee. Ugh!

So now it is Friday afternoon and I start waiting.  I went to my friend, Kathy's, house but she didn't have any wine because why? She is taking a break from drinking and I respect her for that!!  I, however, am not taking a break so she immediately found me the last of her Crown Royal and oh that was sooo good.  We had such a great time visiting and catching up about Christmas and New Year. 

Then I went home and watched Beast Games with Emmett, his girlfriend and John.  It was so fun! Have you seen Beast Games on Amazon Prime Video? So good! The way he films the awkward pauses and looks from people is so creative, I love it! Oh the humanity of trying to win 5 million dollars.  

Saturday and Sunday have been rough.  It is so hard to not know what is going on.  To know that I will be looking at surgery most likely, no matter if it's cancer or not.  The ultrasound findings did say, "other entities such as polyp and neoplasia cannot be excluded given the clinical history."  So I looked up neoplasia.  That means tumor.  So yes, I should have followed Dr. Weaver's advice about not googling anything!  There could be a tumor in there causing the bleeding. I could also tell you how thick my uterine lining is, but I'll spare you. Let's just say it is like the rest of me.  It could definitely be a bit thinner.  A thick uterine lining, my doctor told me, is indicative of cancer. 

Saturday morning I saw the ultrasound reports, Sunday morning I saw the bloodwork results.  Sunday afternoon I took a nap, prayed and listened to music because I might have cancer and I'm scared.  Oh, I also organized all my medical portals in a folder on my phone.  So many portals, so little time. 

Then I started this blog post when I woke up because I can't stay in my head.  It helps me to share.  I love sharing.  I love Steve Martin and I love making people laugh, too.  So please come back here and visit if you want to chuckle.  I am going to continue the Masterclass with Steve Martin. I will seriously figure out how to be funny once and for all, people.  

Funny side note, when I told John was taking a Masterclass in comedy from Steve Martin, he paused for a long while and said, "WOW MOM, that's when you know you're NOT funny!  Now you can bake and cook and I love it, but DAD is funny."  Oh my goodness, John, I wonder where you get your sense of humor from!

I know that everything that is happening to me is not my fault. I don't need to feel shame or embarassment. Oh my gosh I am not the only woman who has a vagina that bleeds! The amount of women I have spoken to in the last week who have had similar experiences is astonishing!  Why don't we talk about it? Why don't we support each other?  The same thing happened when I miscarried.  I had NO idea that the more successful pregnancies (3 incredible home births for me) you have, the more likely you are to miscarry.  WHAT!  And that was the last time I was pregnant.  

My reproductive part of myself has been the most beautiful, most complicated, most joyful, most scary, most confusing part of my life since I was 11 years old when I got my first period and had absolutely NO idea what it was.  That was actually the first time I had unexplained vaginal bleeding!  Anyone else? My mother didn't tell me anything. I felt ashamed, confused, alone and scared.  I hope you don't have to feel that way about anything.  I hope my daughter knows that despite all the discomfort, she is a young, beautiful gift of woman to the world.  

I wish I could talk to my mother but she died when I was 19.  However, my sister Bonnie told me that our mother actually had a radical hysterectomy for a similar problem that I have! She was 41 years old, pregnant with her 10th child (I'm the 9th) and they recommended she not carry our sister to term.  Well, she was born and had to be in the NICU and my mother had a hysterectomy right away.  WOW, what a way to be shocked in to menopause. 

So alas, I will keep you posted.  I will keep sharing.  I will keep laughing.  George told me after looking at the results, you have to live your life that you have right now.  There is nothing you can do until you get more information.  You may not know anything definitive for another month.  I appreciated this and I must think about this.  There is nothing I can do to change my situation right now.  

Well, except to stop eating sugar and go back into ketosis because apparently cancer and sugar get along really well together.  

Oh and I'll keep watching my Masterclass and trying to be funnier than Dad.  

I do know something after all.  I know that no matter what happens with my unexplained vaginal bleeding, I am very grateful for my life, my family, my friends and my health. 

And I'm grateful for Steve Martin.