I noticed while I was standing there on the lawn, SO annoyed, that he always goes to the END of the leash and stares at the great beyond. His nose wagging back and forth practically more than his stubby, adorable tail. His nose makes every effort to take in every single thing happening on my street (which is NOTHING).
I always think to myself about how he has 15 feet of leash! So much space to walk around and roam! But NO, he must explore what is beyond.....beyond the leash.
This led to some deeper thinking on my part. I had just finished reading the Some Truths Lie Beneath, by Rebeca Colt Aslan. This is a memoir where the author recounts her upbringing and experiences with sexual assault.
Why did parenting and boundaries stand out to me more than the sexual assault? Something occurred to me as I was reading. This book provoked so many questions.
What actually leads to sexual assault?
Would my daughter ever be a victim of this like I was, and like Rebecca Aslan was?
Would my sons be victims or aggressors at some point?
Is it something in our childhoods that leads us to certain difficult situations and turning points in our lives?
We have all had childhoods. Well that's obvious, so why did I even say that? Read it again...WE HAVE ALL HAD CHILDHOODS. So essentially, we have all had boundaries placed on us.
NO ONE is immune from having boundaries. For example, let's think big...
The Israelites- Let my people go! Really, they had the promised land, but look what happened when they made the golden calf. Look how long they had to wait in the desert. How far did they wander from the fold?
Anne Frank- her hiding place
Students- confines of the classroom and school, the four walls
Drivers- traffic rules, vehicle inspection requirements, insurance, registration
The government- balance of power, 3 branches, checks and balances
An employee- clock in, clock out
Every one of these examples have to do with boundaries! Healthy boundaries. The freedom to drive, the freedom of not being caught by the Nazis, the freedom of education, even the promised land! Anne Frank, staying in the confines of those rooms, gave her more time to live. If drivers could go through red lights and turn left on red, then people would die.
The boundaries are put in place for everyone's safety and wellbeing. My classroom had 4 rules and 3 consequences, that's it. The rules were the boundaries and the rules were in place in order for my students to learn, to be safe, to thrive and to be happy.
In other words, it is not just dogs on a leash that have boundaries...see the dog reference now?
Now parenting and boundaries can be likened to the dog owner holding that leash. For Bowser, my terrier, I need the leash when we go out, why? Because I don't want him to run away. I want him to be safe. I don't want him to get hit by a car. The leash represents the balance between freedom and control! Just like parenting is to guide children while allowing them the space to explore and grow.
What happens when that healthy freedom is misguided or threatened? In Some Truths Lie Beneath, Rebeccs Aslan needed emotional support and validation as a child and young adult. She needed someone to listen...within the boundaries of her home. Those healthy boundaries were distorted, however. The leash was too tight, in other words. It would be like if I gave my dog only 3 feet of leash instead of the full 15. There can and should be more space to roam and to discover, but when the balance is off, things can take a turn.
While this story is about sexual assault, as a parent reading it, I couldn't help but think of all the lost opportunities that her parents had. The lost opportunities to help her, listen to her, embrace her...even though her views may have been different from their own. Views can and need to be expressed. One of the hardest things as a parent is to let go of our children and to let them be who they are meant to be. It can't be forced. The door should remain open to the home as a safe haven for healthy conversation and points of view. The door should be open for listening ears and open arms for hugs when things are hard. Those marriage vows say, "in good times and in bad". Do we make unspoken vows to our children to be there for them in the same way?
Aslan received a letter from her father. It was dismissive, judgmental and condescending. Was it written with that intent? Most likely, NO. The old school "father knows best" routine came in loud and clear. However, as I was reading it, I could picture the love the father had for his daughter, Rebecca Aslan, but the gross misinterpretation that can be gleaned from such an epistle had devastating effects on the whole family.
I know what you're thinking....This is a far stretch from sexual assault, what is your point! Well, most of my OWN experience with sexual assault and overall sexual confusion and pain stems from lack of support at home, lack of self esteem, lack of proper and healthy loving physical touch in my home. I was NOT so devastatingly violated as Aslan, to be clear. But the common thread is there. Was my "leash" too tight?
Was it my parents' fault that led to me being sexually violated in a hospital bed at age 26? Was it the fault of the parents who raised the man who violated me while I was laying in that hospital bed? I had 5 broken bones, a concussion, 12 stitches near my eye, a lacerated spleen and bruised. I couldn't walk. He reached under my hospital gown...what was happening!! Why was he doing this! He may have thought I wanted that. I didn't. I didn't have the voice to say. Actually as I type this, I recall I may have pushed him away and stopped him from going any further. It's so strange because the only feelings I feel with regard to this are shame and confusion. I've felt shame about that for all these years, until one day I thought, you didn't ask for him to do that. You didn't do that to yourself. It's not your fault.
Well whose fault is it, then? Our parents?? Let's blame our parents!!! Partly kidding. I mean, if my parents touched me more in my childhood....kissed me, hugged me, held my hand....would I have gone right into the arms of a boy so fast?
As parents, our role is to set boundaries that provide security and structure, teach responsibility, and build trust.
By doing so, we help our children navigate the world with confidence and independence, much like the well-trained dog at the end of that leash.
So I encourage you to read Some Truths Lie Beneath. I encourage you to share your stories and to break free from any shame or guilt you may be carrying.
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