Well, honestly, I spend practically every minute of every day thinking of blog posts, titles for posts, pictures and content for posts. And then I beat myself up for not blogging and then I get depressed because I don't have time to blog.
It's not pretty. I am a tormented soul, I guess.
See? This is me under a blanket after my workout with Desiree. I couldn't take it anymore. I was trying to curl up in a fetal position, put a blanket over me and pretend I was back in the womb. She stole my phone and snapped the picture.
The 40s have not been kind to me so far. I am working my butt off to be healthy and get back into shape. The miscarriage at my 40th birthday and then my foot surgery last July really took a toll on me. I realized that to lose just one pound in my 40s takes 40 times as long as it was to lose just one pound in my 20s!
So needless to say, I am NOT at a loss for things to blog about, only at a loss for TIME to blog.
John is my Mother's Day baby. John was born quarter after midnight, May 14, 2012. Mother's Day was May 13th that year. I went into labor on Mother's Day so I consider John my Mother's Day baby. :) And here he is about to turn 4. My baby about to turn 4 years old. I was looking at him the other night while he was sleeping in my bed. (3 year olds, you really need to snuggle and kiss sometimes when they are sleeping as they are so strong willed and active during the day.) I was looking at him...the shape of his nose, his eyelashes, his curls, watching his peaceful sleep. Then I remembered the night of his birth...
Having all three of my biological children born at home, right here in my bed, right where the above picture was taken, really creates a bond beyond words or description. But I'll give it a shot....
Watching John sleep right where he was born almost 4 years ago gives me such pause. It makes me think about time passing and life happening right before our eyes. Time passing is the one thing we absolutely cannot control. What a feeling of helplessness for me as a parent! My instinct is to constantly protect and control, to help and to support. But this thing about growing up and time passing is completely out of my hands. I gave birth right here and Emmett, Carmen and John took their first breaths of air right here. They were welcomed with love and joy and literally open arms.
But to then watch them grow, and grow and grow. To see their very bodies morph before my eyes. That newborn human is no more and every day is a day of change. The things around us stay the same, but the very people who occupy the space, change and change. Change for good. But the moment I held my children for the first time is a moment that froze in my mind forever. The happiest moments of my life. And I have been blessed with happy moments too numerous to count.
Allow me to pay a little tribute....
Thank you for making me a Mother for the first time. The first time we worked together was when you were kicking your way out. I couldn't handle labor and thought I couldn't do it. Then I felt you kicking and realized, I'M NOT ALONE!! HE WANTS OUT. We worked together you and you made it into the world a few minutes later.
Thank you for making my dream come true and giving me the gift of a daughter. I knew you were a girl the minute I found out your due date was July 16, the feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. It was like my mother was looking down on me and telling me I would have a girl.
You are my shortest labor and my Mother's Day baby. Our friends were over for game night and less than 2 hours after they left, you made your entrance into the world just down the hall. :) You have been a joy ever since the moment I lay eyes on you and even before. All of you have.
Here I am above with John just a few months ago. He fell asleep in the restaurant and this is a rare time I got to hold him like this. Look how big he is! But I don't care, it is still like I am holding him for the first time. I feel like this about all of them.
And to the soul of the baby I lost. Were you the sister that Carmen longed for so badly? It was almost like she knew I lost you and knew you were a girl because of her uncharacteristic longing for a sister. Emmett, Carmen and John don't even know you exist, but some day I will tell them about the time Dad and I were so happy to learn of our fourth pregnancy. July 10, 2013, was a sad day, the day I miscarried. I found out from the ultrasound that you died 4 weeks prior, my 40th birthday. But I like what my friend told me upon hearing the news. She said that my parents (and George's mother) got to meet one of our children in Heaven.
I can't let Mother's Day go by without talking about how rewarding foster parenting has been, too! But Mother's Day is also very difficult for a foster parent and foster child. I see Pilar, Desiree and Maggie as my own, but they, of course don't always see it that way. For that reason, Mother's Day is a bit sad for me. I know there is this cloud hanging over them from the past. They will be moody, difficult, and emotional on days likes these. I completely understand. But then there are also glimpses of joy! Like kind words of gratefulness and gifts that can never be replaced....
This is my gift from my Desiree. Maggie helped her clean the kitchen and then they hung this to surprise me. I will cherish it. And I will cherish the visits that I receive from Pilar, and the random messages she sends when she thinks about me. I'm so proud of her for finishing her first year of college.
So Mother's Day as a foster parent can be very sad. BUT, focusing on the positive is a must! Otherwise, I just wouldn't be able to handle it! Seriously, I wouldn't. For me, anyway, it is a day to day struggle to understand how evil in the world permeates the most sacred gifts from God...parenthood.
And speaking of evil in the world, on a lighter note, I would like to turn your attention to my Mother's Day weekend activity. Below is a picture of my kitchen from yesterday. Disaster! I am fighting the pantry moths. I am in the middle of cleaning every cabinet and throwing 90% of the food away. The moral of the story is...don't ignore a problem...it will only get worse! These moths have taken over since I have been ignoring this small problem. Instead of dealing with it like an adult, I have ignored it and now it is harder than ever to get rid of them once and for all.
sniff sniff... Real life...
But to focus on the positive, you may remember my oven fire post from a few weeks ago. Well, below is a picture of the brand new oven and microwave!
So Happy Mother's Day to all no matter what nurturing role you may play in someone's life. Hope you have a great weekend filled with love, friendship and giving!