The waiting (and oversharing) continues...

But you know... there's alot I can do while waiting for my next procedure...

I can pray and fast.... it's Lent after all!

I can play Solitaire Cash on my phone and continue avoiding life

I can clean out the house and do projects and keep busy

I can spend time with John and keep him on track with his studies

I can continue to track spending in the budget and look for a job so the budget will stop having a panic attack

I can blog!!!

So I'll let you decide which of the above things I'm doing.  I'll never tell. Really, for all you know I could be rotting away in my house crying randomly and hiding under the covers.

I meannnnn, am I doing that? Am I????

Well I'm not that mean, I'll give you a hint.  My incredible friend, Meryl Lee, who I don't deserve, made these much needed book shelves with me!  In the spirit of no spend challenge, we didn't spend a cent! 

Definitely a work in progress. Thanks to MerylLee and her persistence with me, George's books see the light of day for the first time in 20 years. 

Speaking of something else that has not seen the light of day, If you happen to STILL be interested in my oh so thick endometrium, then you are in the right place!!....🤣🤣 the predictive text on my phone suggested "endometrium " after I typed the word "thick".... 

The scheduler actually called me last week and I can now report that the date for my hysteroscopy D&C is April 24th. Preop is April 7th. 

GUYS....THIS IS THE ACTUAL PROCEDURE THAT WILL TELL WHY MY ENDOMETRIUM IS SO THICK 

FINALLY!!!

They go in with cameras and check out how it's "configured " according to my doctor's explanation.... then they will do the D&C and get it all out so they can see what's causing the thickness and bleeding.   Precancerous? Cancerous? Some other condition? 

Ahhhhh stay tuned. 

Anyone reading this who is taking Progesterone?  I am struggling with it.  I looked up side effects yesterday and of course....sedative effect...low energy....tiredness..... ugh! 

I have no energy.  I'm struggling.  And the dreams continue! Disturbing,  scary, strange dreams every night about teaching and about my family members.

All side effects of progesterone.  The thing is, I need to keep taking it because it slows any cancer growth, so until I know for sure there's no cancer, then I'm going to keep taking it.  

I push through...I offer it up....I get things done around the house little by little. 

Yesterday, when I waited for my daughter at the dentist, I was reading the Readers Digest. There was an article about how to talk to anybody. It described the type of person and then gave strategies on how to talk to them.  One was the drama person, the inappropriate joke teller, the selfish person, the OVER SHARER. I got to oversharer and identified way too much with it and then I got scared for all of you who are reading about my uterus. 

Well sorry to say I can't share tips with you on how to deal with me because I panicked and didn't read that far!

Sorry. You're on your own.

The main takeaway you're probably missing from my Readers Digest story is WHY was I even reading the Readers Digest instead of playing Solitaire on my phone? Because I forgot my phone!!! I left it HOME!! I didn't have my phone.  That's the only reason. Oh my,  am I oversharing? 

I should be more mindful of that. 

Well hey, I'm probably fine. I'm definitely not am oversharer.  It's not like I asked them to do a Facebook live video when they go into my uterus with those cameras.

Or did I?

Ack!! My doctor called! (Part 6)

Part 5

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

Ok here we go, people! 

It's go time!!

 

A little background.... have a test....wait....results go to the portal...google every word...wait... talk to the doctor....wait.... schedule another test/procedure....wait...

It's such a good thing for me that Lent just started yesterday.  I began this waiting and discomfort in January. So 40 days in the desert with Jesus is just  what the Heavenly Doctor ordered!

I mean,  Jesus knew what it was like to wait. Jesus knew discomfort,  that's for sure! 

So I have a good example!

Imagine how he felt on his 30th birthday... it's go time! Finally! After years of a quiet life... time to start His public ministry.  What about the night in the garden? It's go time! Praying and praying there while his apostles slept. He knew it was go time!

When I was in the chapel in my Adoration hour Tuesday night I randomly turned to this page in my book (because I completely forgot what page I was on because it has been so long since I picked it up),  He Leadeth Me, by Fr. Walter Ciszek. His story is incredible.  I highly recommend you look him up. This was perfect for me to read! I hope you glean something from it, as well.  

I could write about the body/soul connection for days, but this definitely speaks for itself, so I will spare you. Fr. Ciszek does it better.  He spent years in work camps in Russia.  There's nothing like reading about life as a prisoner in Russia to put things in perspective. Honestly, though, it is shocking how relatable his spiritual story is to every day life.

So now with some amazing spiritual context in the background, we left off at the biopsy on February 25th. 

My doctor just called me this morning with  results and next steps...

RESULTS: So far so good with everything! While I am NOT excited about the next procedure,  I'm happy to get this thick endometrium scraped out and studied. 

As my doctor explained JUST NOW ON THE PHONE... the biopsy results and cervical cancer screenings are good results! But wait... there's more! The biopsy only pulls the cells from directly inside the uterus. 

So since my ultrasounds showed that my endometrium is very thick throughout the whole dang organ, they need to figure out why and be sure there's nothing bad developing up in there. I'm using very specific medical terminology so try to follow!

NEXT STEPS:  Now I wait again... for the surgey scheduler to call me to set up an outpatient hysteroscopy/D&C procedure where they will get it all out and see what's going on in there! It's a twofer!!! I was concerned they'd do the hysteroscopy and then I would need a D&C separately (you know...least invasive first) but I'm glad to know I will have it all in one shot, anyway.  

Guys,  I want you to be assured that I DON'T think I have cancer. I understand there are a myriad of things this could be...all manageable, thank God.  

I also want you to know that I have had so many exams and procedures up in that area that it has just been difficult emotionally for me.  

I am also transitioning to the great change of life and that in itself comes with emotional challenges, as many of you know.  

I'm also adjusting to not teaching....I dream about school/ teaching/ my students every night.  

This morning it was preschool, I was subbing in preschool and I made slime for the kids and one student started eating it and throwing up and I started yelling at him.  Honestly,  the dreams are so incredible because so many parts of them are soooo real and they weave in and out to real feelings I have in real life as well as being interspersed with completely preposterous things.  The dreams usually happen right before I wake up and then I wake up feeling lost. It's wild. It's an adjustment.  That's all I can say.

I'm also adjusting to not having a paycheck and looking for work from home jobs and deciding if this is it for teaching...am I going to change paths completely? 

I'm also thinking I should stop saying "also" and using so many exclamation points (!!)

Let's turn our focus to the 4 stars of my uterus!! LOL, we love the Goldbergs and I use the line all the time that Beverly Goldberg used when she was telling her kids to do something or trying to prove a point, she would say, "My body made your body".  And it usually shut everyone up. Ha!

Beverly Goldberg

It's only appropriate that I share with you all what incredible humans my body produced from that bloody organ....

Johnnnnnn, my youngest John.... homeschooling and putting up with mom and all these appointments.  He's about to be a teenager in May! He's so smart! He has the math knowledge as well as the language and writing ability. He has creativity with his incredible lego builds.  He's resilient and funny and spiritual and kind.  He's also TALL!!! He is a great altar server and Emmett just showed him how to be cross bearer this past Sunday!

Emmett just turned 18! He's an incredible man and I'm so proud of him.  He is days away from earning his Eagle Rank.  He is a great mentor to boys at scouts and also serving at the altar for mass. He made a CAT6 cable right in front of me yesterday.... loving his computer networking and software class at Votech...getting his younger brother all set up with his own computer.... being an admin on his account so John won't be able to log in to gaming until after his schoolwork and chores are done. I love them.

Carmen and Bowser

Carmen is never home because this girl is taking on the world her senior year and I'm so happy for her! The lead antagonist in Sleeping Beauty! She's Carabosse! (Maleficent to Disney fans) She's on the tennis team.  She is on stage crew for the school play. She volunteers at the preschool. She goes to EMT class at Blue Ridge after ballet until 10 pm for extra credit for her EMT class. She was the first one I called when I talked to my doctor though. ❤️❤️ I love her.  She's a loyal friend and has a heart of gold. She also serves at church in any way she can.

To the baby who only lived in my uterus for only 6 weeks and then passed away. I'm glad your father and I got to say goodbye to that little sac of you in the petri dish and have some closure. You were a good 40th birthday present...I know you have a soul. I wanted so bad for you to make it so John could have a little sibling close in age like Emmett and Carmen have in each other. 

So see?? It's not all about meeee, but somehow I have to find a way for something to be about me as I "grow up" and figure out what life in my 50s will look like as my children become independent and find their own paths in life. 

Thank you for being there for me as I completely melt down and figure out what life looks like with grown up children who pass by me in our home with....wait, what??? Their own paths, their own thoughts,  their own goals? Thank God they need to eat.... thank God for the refrigerator and the whole kitchen. I see them there and I love having watched them grow in that particular room of our house. 

So like I said, it's go time! 

In many, many ways.

And be assured that my time in the desert this Lent will be full of offering up everything for your intentions.  After all, I am not that far gone emotionally to understand that I certainly do NOT have a monoply on suffering. Whatever you are struggling with, you are so worth it! You are so worth the attention, prayer and relationship that brings support and love to you.

I'll end with a picture I recently saw that my sister, Laura, took of Emmett and me 18 years ago.  Ahhh, the time when he was a newborn and it was just him and me while George was at work. W lived in Manchester, NH while he was working up there temporarily.  The 3 months in that apartment with Emmett was an incredible time..so happy and new...new mom...new baby...new husband...new life.  

 

Biopsy is tomorrow! And other updates (Part 5)

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

I can't find my phone.

I lost my keys last week. 

My toilet doesn't flush right.

My shower leaks.

I'm unemployed.

Side story....because I love those...I tried to take Carmen to the doctor today and we NEVER made it!  We drove and drove. We got stopped in traffic.  I finally turned around.  I went the way the GPS said and we ended up right back on route 11 a little south of where we were stopped.  If I had my phone, most likely I would not even have left because I would have seen that 81 was closed north and south bound since this morning because a poor man had a medical emergency while he was driving a truck load of AMMONIA and it spilled everywhere. HAZMAT had to come.  I don't know the condition of the man, but they got him to the hospital.  I kept trying to call the doctor's office but no answer so I left a message.  Then we found out traffic was diverted to exit 205 which is exactly where my doctor's office is in Raphine.  No wonder they weren't answering the phone. WOW!  

But I had quality time with my daughter and I didn't even have my phone on me to distract me!  That was the good part!  The employee at Dairy Queen also had a huge laugh when we ordered because if you read all of the above again, that is basically everything I told her when Carmen was trying to order her chicken strip basket. 

I told Carmen I should have told her my biopsy is tomorrow, too! 

Carmen said, "NO, MOOMMMMM"  I LOVE HERRRR

I got water, though.  NO SPEND CHALLENGE, remember?  

It is going well! I am tracking my family's finances and it is going well. I am learning to navigate YNAB like a pro.  I finally learned how credit cards work in there and I watched some budgeting videos by this guy and it was all super helpful!  

I have applied for a few jobs here and there and I am starting up my tutoring business again.  I have been reaching out to clients from last summer who I will see again this summer for evaluations and I have created google forms for intake and for registration! Tutoring from the Heart is now in it's 18 year of business!  

Well here we are.  The day of reckoning for my uterus is tomorrow!! Finally, I will get the biopsy and actually talk to the GYN and actually get established as a patient there. Honestly, I am praying I get the biopsy, I will actually believe it when it happens.  

I didn't tell you, but on February 9th, I spent the whole day at the ER at UVA.  The bleeding got so bad.  RECAP... I was bleeding since December 18th.  It got worse and worse and worse.  The whole ER day deserves it's own post, haha, but suffice it to say that I actually spoke with a GYN (while she was spelunking in my very private body cavity) and she told me she would send the info to my new GYN, the one I will see tomorrow.  

She assured me that I would have the biopsy at this initial visit tomorrow since I was at the ER for the bleeding.  WE SHALL SEE.  

The good thing that came from the ER visit, too, was that she changed my progesterone brand and upped the dose to 20 mg from 5 mg.  Well, after a week of the new dose, I stopped bleeding!! I have felt a little more normal since then!  Also, I have a bit more energy during the day, which is good.  

So guys? My GYN appointment is tomorrow finally.  They should do the biopsy tomorrow and then they say it takes about a week for results.  UGH! More waiting, but I will be SO RELIEVED to get answers and a path forward instead of feeling terribly yucky and confused and upset about what is going on in there.  PHEW!!  

So I still can't find my phone.

I still can't find my keys.

My toilet still doesn't flush right.

My shower still leaks.

I'm still unemployed. 

But do I have uterine cancer? 

I should hopefully know in about a week. 

Motherhood you're so cruel

 Motherhood you're so cruel

You make me laugh, you make me cry

You make me ask WHY

...over and over again, the pain and the joy repeat, back and forth, back and forth, as if doing a dance so familiar and so knowing that it reverberates all the way back to the beginning of time. 

I am not the only one you have in your clutches.

As countless are the heartaches and joys of doing your bidding, are the number of women who have experienced the same. 

What makes your cruelty feel so unique to me, though? I know what it is.  It is your indelible mark of God's promise of reward and love for participating in His unique creation....the creation of  new human life from nothing.  

It is the absolutely unrepeatable and irreplaceable nature of my very self, of my very soul. 

Still, I will never forget how cruel you are to me.  My own mother died before I became a mother.  Did this even matter to you?

 Time is a thief, but YOU rob me every day because of the slow, slow, slow letting go of very humans I helped to create.  

Don't I get a say? 

I HAD LOVE.  I'm only guilty of having love to share.  Then shouldn't I be able to have a say in your cruel ways of reality and temporal pain? I'm not cruel like you. I should have a say.

The very definition of you is to let go....to literally bleed dry at the core of my body as time passes and to say goodbye over and over again with my heart and my mind. 

Motherhood, you're so cruel....

But I shall forgive you.  70 times 7 times I shall forgive you. Over and over I shall forgive you, while I keep dancing the ever so familiar dance of joy and pain.